G.I. Joe: Rise of a Really Bad Movie
G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra is not just a bad movie. It’s a really awful movie even by summer standards.
I waited on purpose for it to come out on the new releases in the video store instead of chancing it in the main theaters. With its collective stink of bad stories and dialogue, it’s no surprise that Paramount Pictures didn’t release it right away to mainstream critics. Instead, they let selected audiences watch the film before the summer bombardment.
What bothers me about most summer films is the fact that they shouldn’t have to be mindless dope-driven crap shot out to celluloid oblivion. Summer movies can be smart if they want to be. But this one isn’t. It steers around bad dialogue with a merciless string of flashbacks going back and forth like a drummer who lost his beat on the drums.
Remember the cartoon variety where they would shout at the top of their lungs, “Yo Joe”? Whenever the good guys are swinging into action in this movie, watching them roll right into battle, I am immediately singing a parody of their battle call, “Joe blows!”
Are there any good things about this movie?
Just a couple.
Scarlett and Snake Eyes. Enough said.
And who is responsible for this retarded mess? Where should we start pointing accusatory fingers at whoever put together this freak of nature and decided to call it a blockbuster movie?
There could be any one of the people on the upcoming list. There are many guilty as charged. But we’ll sort out the mess and find out who is the real culprit behind the silly mess they would call a franchise.
Christopher Eccleston plays the archenemy in his usual charismatic performance. His presence is electrifying even when he is not trying to ham it up in every scene, though he is in fine form as the secondary villain, an interesting twist as they don’t show the leader of Cobra until the very end of the story. Don’t worry. I’m not spoiling anything here.
Eccleston is always a pleasure to see. And I can’t help myself asking why didn’t this guy do another season of Doctor Who as he was very good in it? Watching this film, with him being the central villain, it’s a terrible shame that he didn’t stay on for another couple of years on the Doctor Who series. But it’s easy to see he wanted to work in movies where the big bucks are. Doctor Who doesn’t pay the big bucks. But this garbage does.
But who can fault him for going where the money is? He has his sights set on Hollywood. He always did. Now he’s getting his foot in the door. Maybe another few misfires like this and someone might notice his acting is too good to be in schlock like this.
But Eccleston isn’t at fault here. Far from it. I would rather see him go back to Doctor Who.
Why is G.I. Joe part of the NATO operations of a collective backgrounds stemming from Europe to Africa or wherever? It is supposed to be based in the United States. Not Europe. Why is G.I. Joe the worst kept secret where everyone throws around the name like it’s common knowledge? Why is the President of the United States played by an English actor?
Why am I even watching this movie?
Why is Dennis Quaid in this movie? He’s usually not a bad actor. But here he is a cut out piece of paper torn out from a very old book. He gobbles up the scenery like a hammy actor that would have made Vincent Price very proud. As the leader of the Joes, he tells some of the amateurs they’re the best there is. And yet he is knocked down in two seconds by Storm Shadow when the bad guys break into their headquarters.
But Quaid shouldn’t be blamed. Far from it. He’s got his nice, fat paycheck for walking through this film like he’s got a kitchen fork up his butt.
So it took five different writers to throw together this two hour movie filled with explosive action sequences, a nice romance story that might sucker adolescent kid and the Baroness with her mighty bra strap. The dialogue sounds very stilted, poorly handled. It sounds like people are doing read on parts and not putting any effort into the lines. The words doesn’t sound like they come from real life. They sound like they come from hacked stories. Not to mention the fact that someone in the film is not a big fan of the French. Which is fine with me. I don’t much care for the French either. So I wasn’t too terribly sorry to see the Eiffle Tower go in the movie.
But the French did contribute something to the films. They gave all the credit to the sole creative drive behind the film: the director. The auteur theory, it’s called. Because of the French, it was believed that the director is the sole responsibility behind the movie. Directing, story wise, acting. Everything. The director gets the credit.
Using this French philosophy, it is decided that Stephen Sommers is the guy who should get all the credit and glory for making this film. None of this, “It’s the writers’ fault!” No, that’s not going to work. It shouldn’t even be called a film. It’s just a mess filled with uncrackling dialogue and nonsense that might be mistaken for real comedy. Something like this can’t be held too closely to scrutiny. It’ll break apart soon as you take a gander.
Why bother with the accelerator suits that is supposed to be the driving force behind the Joe technology? If Storm Shadow is able to move really fast, as one character pointed out in a chase, then why do they need the suits? Storm Shadow is able to move pretty fast without one. It is just all nonsense.
Which brings me to the final cusp of the review here.
Dear Mr. Sommers,
Thank you for creating a mess of mammoth proportions last summer. You turned a childhood memory into a seeping, leering product of commercialism without bringing anything new to it. You are responsible for coughing up this awful hairball and leaving it behind like a fat cat would. You got your huge paycheck for making this, didn’t you? Can I get my $3.30 cents back for spending on a rental?
Sincerely,
Your least favorite fan.
I’m still waiting on a response.
I waited on purpose for it to come out on the new releases in the video store instead of chancing it in the main theaters. With its collective stink of bad stories and dialogue, it’s no surprise that Paramount Pictures didn’t release it right away to mainstream critics. Instead, they let selected audiences watch the film before the summer bombardment.
What bothers me about most summer films is the fact that they shouldn’t have to be mindless dope-driven crap shot out to celluloid oblivion. Summer movies can be smart if they want to be. But this one isn’t. It steers around bad dialogue with a merciless string of flashbacks going back and forth like a drummer who lost his beat on the drums.
Remember the cartoon variety where they would shout at the top of their lungs, “Yo Joe”? Whenever the good guys are swinging into action in this movie, watching them roll right into battle, I am immediately singing a parody of their battle call, “Joe blows!”
Are there any good things about this movie?
Just a couple.
Scarlett and Snake Eyes. Enough said.
And who is responsible for this retarded mess? Where should we start pointing accusatory fingers at whoever put together this freak of nature and decided to call it a blockbuster movie?
There could be any one of the people on the upcoming list. There are many guilty as charged. But we’ll sort out the mess and find out who is the real culprit behind the silly mess they would call a franchise.
Christopher Eccleston plays the archenemy in his usual charismatic performance. His presence is electrifying even when he is not trying to ham it up in every scene, though he is in fine form as the secondary villain, an interesting twist as they don’t show the leader of Cobra until the very end of the story. Don’t worry. I’m not spoiling anything here.
Eccleston is always a pleasure to see. And I can’t help myself asking why didn’t this guy do another season of Doctor Who as he was very good in it? Watching this film, with him being the central villain, it’s a terrible shame that he didn’t stay on for another couple of years on the Doctor Who series. But it’s easy to see he wanted to work in movies where the big bucks are. Doctor Who doesn’t pay the big bucks. But this garbage does.
But who can fault him for going where the money is? He has his sights set on Hollywood. He always did. Now he’s getting his foot in the door. Maybe another few misfires like this and someone might notice his acting is too good to be in schlock like this.
But Eccleston isn’t at fault here. Far from it. I would rather see him go back to Doctor Who.
Why is G.I. Joe part of the NATO operations of a collective backgrounds stemming from Europe to Africa or wherever? It is supposed to be based in the United States. Not Europe. Why is G.I. Joe the worst kept secret where everyone throws around the name like it’s common knowledge? Why is the President of the United States played by an English actor?
Why am I even watching this movie?
Why is Dennis Quaid in this movie? He’s usually not a bad actor. But here he is a cut out piece of paper torn out from a very old book. He gobbles up the scenery like a hammy actor that would have made Vincent Price very proud. As the leader of the Joes, he tells some of the amateurs they’re the best there is. And yet he is knocked down in two seconds by Storm Shadow when the bad guys break into their headquarters.
But Quaid shouldn’t be blamed. Far from it. He’s got his nice, fat paycheck for walking through this film like he’s got a kitchen fork up his butt.
So it took five different writers to throw together this two hour movie filled with explosive action sequences, a nice romance story that might sucker adolescent kid and the Baroness with her mighty bra strap. The dialogue sounds very stilted, poorly handled. It sounds like people are doing read on parts and not putting any effort into the lines. The words doesn’t sound like they come from real life. They sound like they come from hacked stories. Not to mention the fact that someone in the film is not a big fan of the French. Which is fine with me. I don’t much care for the French either. So I wasn’t too terribly sorry to see the Eiffle Tower go in the movie.
But the French did contribute something to the films. They gave all the credit to the sole creative drive behind the film: the director. The auteur theory, it’s called. Because of the French, it was believed that the director is the sole responsibility behind the movie. Directing, story wise, acting. Everything. The director gets the credit.
Using this French philosophy, it is decided that Stephen Sommers is the guy who should get all the credit and glory for making this film. None of this, “It’s the writers’ fault!” No, that’s not going to work. It shouldn’t even be called a film. It’s just a mess filled with uncrackling dialogue and nonsense that might be mistaken for real comedy. Something like this can’t be held too closely to scrutiny. It’ll break apart soon as you take a gander.
Why bother with the accelerator suits that is supposed to be the driving force behind the Joe technology? If Storm Shadow is able to move really fast, as one character pointed out in a chase, then why do they need the suits? Storm Shadow is able to move pretty fast without one. It is just all nonsense.
Which brings me to the final cusp of the review here.
Dear Mr. Sommers,
Thank you for creating a mess of mammoth proportions last summer. You turned a childhood memory into a seeping, leering product of commercialism without bringing anything new to it. You are responsible for coughing up this awful hairball and leaving it behind like a fat cat would. You got your huge paycheck for making this, didn’t you? Can I get my $3.30 cents back for spending on a rental?
Sincerely,
Your least favorite fan.
I’m still waiting on a response.
posted by K.M. Paters at 11:12 AM
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